Victim or Victor??

Between Kavanaugh vs Ford and Bill Cosby seems there is a divided rise once again in society. From what I am hearing even in the church setting, these battles (yes battles) are bringing up many emotions both new and old. After listening to many women both on TV and in person I questioned myself why is it I am not more upset?  Using societies term I am a ” victim of a violent crime” myself however, I am not seeing myself that way in all this. I acknowledge it happened, heck I wrote a book about it but, the victim mentality, the pain of it is just not there. Then I realized; it left me when I forgave myself and accepted Yeshua in my life. He promised I would be washed clean, white as snow, and Reborn the old me gone and the new me living in the Spirit of Love (of God) going forward.  He promised we would together be transformed and so far He sure has been keeping that promise. No, I no longer feel a victim, I no longer feel the pain, instead I feel I am the Victor! I survived!  All of it. (read my book to know what that means) The kidnapping, the brutal rape by multiple men, the consequences after when I allowed myself to embrace the victim mentality and fell into the deep dark hole of Satan’s whispers. A dark hole that kept me in bondage. It really was like they still had me cause I went forward abusing myself in guilt and shame. I was so hurt and mad at God I shut Him down and out too. I felt like God let me down and abandoned me. He didn’t but, I believed the lies of the father of all lies. But God,  He never gave up…He just kept knocking and sending His people knocking too. Until finally I opened the door. Yelling btw.. “what, what do you want from me. ”  Of course He answered, “for you to listen, I love you and can help you out of this mess“.  It took a some years (thanks to my hard head) before I really trusted Him and believed all my mess could be cleaned up.   Before I believed what the Holy Spirit was telling me, ” you are Not a victim, you are a Victor. We can use this mess as a message to help others. I can heal you.”  I even had a Sufi Master tell me, ” Proclaim and Read” .. that was all He said. Took me a minute to get that too.  I love theology and to read so I kept reading.  Reading things from all faiths, making friends from all walks of life, and the more I read the more I saw His Love, Mercy, & Forgiveness, the more I realized Letting Go of the Past & letting  Love lead is the key to becoming Victorious. Holding on to the hurt and anger just tightened the chains holding me bondage. Holding on I spent endless nights in tears, ultimately pushing even those who loved me away…even though that wasn’t my intention. It was when I forgave my captors & tried to understand that they surely were damaged victims too and that’s why they wanted to hurt me I began to heal. God led me thru a heck of a process to learn that bit of info. But, it was oh so worth it. I saw how many I hurt out of my pain after they hurt me. And those that I hurt didn’t ask for it either. They never caught my captors to my knowledge but, as long as I walked in the pain and as a victim it seemed I kept drawing more abuse my  way or I was dolling it out… in some form or fashion.  Like they say abusive parents come from abusive homes.  It was thru God’s Love I learned the only way to break that vicious cycle was to Let Go and Let God show me the Light of His Love and how it heals, how it conforms, how it changes your life.  Will no one ever try to take advantage or abuse you again…No, they will sometimes. Sometimes simply because you have “chosen” Not to be a victim and choose to follow The Way of our Lord. That’s how bullies operate, trying to break you down so they can control you. But, God showed me only He and I have authority of my life and my choices. And now I Trust He has His  protective hedge around me and as long as I am open and listen to that still small voice the Comforter will comfort me and show me the way thru and out Before I am brutally abused again. Yeshua Word shows me the way to handle situations and very often turn it into a victorious message that breaks the chains that bind that very person that is trying to abuse me. And then other times He just shows you me the way out and away from the whole situation telling me leave it all to Him. Either way, I am removed and safe in His arms.  I realize this is why I am not at home in tears over what I am seeing on TV. Instead it makes me just want to share His Love all the more so those it is hurting will seek Him and be healed just like I was. God doesn’t want us to carry that load, he wants us to bring it to Him. He wants us to go turn over the garden and cultivate His New seeds within us bringing forth Love and all the attributes of Light it Will bring within you and the lives of those you interact with. Now in my posts and many other ways I Proclaim: You Must Let Go of the Past. You Must forgive yourself & forgive your abuser as no not one of us is perfect and there is always I have learned more to the Big Picture. Now my mess has just like God said become a message that many tell me has been helping them. All Praises to God for His love and persistence. And just to be clear:       I am not saying there should be no justice or accountability for the abuser.. not at all. I am just saying, if these hearings are ‘hurting” you.. stop watching and instead Seek the Love of Father, His Word, & the Way of our Lord that you might be healed and able to comfort someone else too. We need healing not to remain in bondage. Cause there are a WHOLE LOT of us who have been abused in some fashion…trust me: to keep talking about it, reliving it, and remaining in the pain will only beget more pain.

Shalom, Renee’

2 thoughts on “Victim or Victor??

  1. as you said Renee: “Letting go of the past” is what we should all do. We all have a past but we also have a future. I was wrongly accused many years ago and had a difficult time to let go of the pain inflicted on me at the time.
    When I watch the reports of a woman who does not appear sure of any details, yet does not want to let go either, I wonder if her brain is OK. I can recall every details of every wrong done to me. I wish I never did hurt anyone the way I was hurt.

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